“O Lord, you have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. ” ~Psalm 139: 1-3
At our Spring Hope4Hollywood Ladies Tea: Stories of Faith, one of our ladies shared how God granted her faith in the midst of a difficult time. “10 years ago, my father was diagnosed with cancer and I became pregnant with my first child. For the next 3 years, I was overwhelmed with medical visits for my father: the oncologist and surgeon, chemo and radiation, nursing homes and hospitals. At the same time, my daughter was born with eczema and was covered with rashes from head to toe. She felt itchy and uncomfortable all the time so we went back and forth to pediatricians and dermatologists. Lacking sleep day after day was my new normal.
After a 3-year battle, my father passed away. The year was 2010, during the deep economic recession. The company I worked for went through significant management changes and I had to find another job. I still remember the day I was making funeral arrangements was the same day of my final job interview. It was such a difficult day.
With a young child, a new job and my husband starting a new business, I was stressed out. And yet I wanted another child. Getting pregnant was yet another stressful journey. I was relieved and excited the day I finally saw the “+” sign on my pregnancy test. My happiness only lasted for 4 short weeks, as I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. I made the decision to accept an injection to terminate my pregnancy. Even though it was a logical and necessary choice, I had a strong sense of guilt.
Feeling the loss of my father and my baby, I also had chronic sleep deprivation, hormones running wild and constant work stress. I lost my appetite and motivation to do anything. My marriage was put to the test. My mind was foggy and the voice in my head got louder and louder, shouting only negative thoughts. I felt like I was going to lose everything I treasured and that my world was about to collapse. I had this fear and anger inside me that felt like a low-grade fever. Finally, during a session with my marriage counselor, she told me: “you’re suffering from depression.” This realization confirmed that I had to do something or I really would lose everything.
The dictionary defines faith as, “Complete trust in someone or something.” My faith at this time was “head knowledge” that God existed and had a plan for this world and maybe even for me. However, because of my circumstances, my depression and my struggle with guilt, shame and fear, I often thought that God was disappointed with me. So, I spent many years ignoring the small voices from my body, my heart and the Holy Spirit. I had been trained to “march forward” even though I was hungry, tired and hurting. I had learned to keep pace with the world, not with God.
During this time, I was comforted by the words of Psalm 139 which reminds me that God sees and knows me, even my thoughts. This truth gave me the courage to reach out for help. After much counseling, exercise, a new part time job and taking courses led by Hope4Hollywood, I am in much better shape physically and spiritually. I’m much closer with God.
It has been 6 years since I lost my baby. I can’t say I’m completely out of it, but for now, I’m better. My faith has grown to see that God’s plan for the world does include me. His love is so full and He wants to share that with me. I have come to understand that God seeks to bring good out of the hardest situations of our lives and will use all situations to bring us closer to Him.
What darkness are you currently facing?
How can you take God’s help in the midst?